People talk about coming out as though it's this big one-time event. But really, most people have to come out over and over to basically every new person they meet. I'm only eighteen and it already exhausts me.

I know that I'm holding myself back. I know that something needs to change, and that I need to be
the one to change it. And I know--I know--that if you're patient with me, what I find on the other end of it, once the towers have burned down, will
be you.

We love films because they makes us feel something. They speak to our desires, which are never small. They allow us to escape and to dream and to gaze into the eyes that are impossibly beautiful and huge. They fill us with longing. But also. They tell us to remember; they remind us of life. Remember, they say, how much it hurts to have your heart broken.

Each time a breeze starts, I feel the air all the way through me.

I know, I say. It sucks. Let's go get tacos and sit on the beach.

This was me before I knew about anything hard, when my whole life was packed lunches and art projects and spelling quizzes.

We felt so small with the city lights stretching forever below us, and we yelled at the top of our lungs because we were just these small humans but we felt more longing than could ever fit inside us.

I could score myself a bottle of whiskey (though I promised Gramps I wouldn't) and let it make me glow, let all the rooms edges go soft, let the memories out of their cages.

It was the moment I realized what music can do to people, how it can make you hurt and feel so good all at once.

The sun stopped shining for me is all.

We were nostalgic for a time that wasn't yet over.

Things I need: The Californian sunshine. A more convincing smile.

We take a last look out of the window at the night, and I send a silent wish to everyone out there for this kind of warmth.

The trouble with denial is that when the truth comes, you aren't ready.

I know that I'm holding myself back. I know that something needs to change, and that I need to be the one to change it. And I know--I know--that if you're patient with me, what I find on the other end of it, once the towers have burned down, will be you.

I leaned over the sink, closer to my reflection, and stare at myself hard. I don't know what I see. I don't even know what I want to see.

He wipes tears off my face and then snot. He uses his hands. He loves me that much.

This is what I want so don't be sad.

My life is just waiting for you to get started.

It isn't the happy ending Ingrid and I had dreamed up, but it's all a part of what I'm working through. The way life changes. The way people and things disappear. Then appear, unexpectedly, and hold you close.