Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

If called by a panther, don't anther.

Why did the Lord give use so much quickness unless it was to avoid responsibility?

Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

When I ponder my mind I consistently find It is glued On food.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!

Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.

I think that I shall never see<br />
A billboard lovely as a tree.<br />
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,<br />
I'll never see a tree at all.

Smallpox is natural; vaccine ain't.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer.

Indoors or out, no one relaxes
In March, that month of wind and taxes,
The wind will presently disappear,
The taxes last us all the year.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

People expect old men to die, They do not really mourn old men. Old men are different. People look At them with eyes that wonder when ... People watch with unshocked eyes; But the old men know when an old man dies.

Senescence begins
And middle-age ends
The day your descendants
Outnumber your friends.

But that wasn't fancy enough for Lord Byron, oh dear me no, he had to invent a lot of figures of speech and then interpolate them,
With the result that whenever you mention Old Testament soldiers to
people they say Oh yes, they're the ones that a lot of wolves dressed up in gold and purple ate them.

How do I feel today? I feel as unfit as an unfiddle,
And it is the result of a certain turbulence in the mind and an uncertain burbulence in the middle.
What was it, anyway, that angry thing that flew at me?
I am unused to banshees crying Boo at me.
Your wife can't be a banshee--
Or can she?

If some confectioners were willing
To let the shape announce the filling,
We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs,
Bitten into and returned to the box.