A terrible thing happened to me last night again--nothing.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -- keep away from children.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I don't know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

I was born at home on newspapers ... I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.