Quotes by Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage -- they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.

I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry -- worrying takes a lot of energy.

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.

Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.

I gave my father $100 and said, Buy yourself something that will make your life easier. So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, 'Will we ever make love again?' He said, 'Yes...but not with each other.'

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

If you never want to see a man again, just tell him 'I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children.' They leave skid marks.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage -- they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I rationalize shopping. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

My husband and I are are going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

My parents, my whole life, combined my birthday with Christmas, and you know how frustrating that is for a child -- especially as I was born in July.

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen.

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed -- because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.

Well, the old theory was marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature -- marry a young one.

It's typical of the differences in a man's life and a woman's A man is allowed to wear boxer shorts that tickle his knees. A woman has to wear a slingshot.

When I was single, my career took priority. When I got married, my marriage was my priority. Now that I'm a mother, my daughter is my priority. When she leaves home, my dog will be my priority.

Women men want to sleep with always win when men are making the decisions.

In my whole life there has never a period of time when I have been hip. I have been hippy, if that counts.

I always have the feeling that I'm never going to be able to write anything funny again. That's why I keep writing funny things. I have to prove to myself that I'm wrong.

If you're over fifty and still in front of the cameras, you'd better be blonder than angel food cake and thinner than angel hair pasta.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

It never felt right for me to swear on stage. I save that for my personal life.

Twitter has allowed me to air topical jokes that occur to me. However, it's also occurred to me that I don't get paid to do this, so I'm sporadic.

To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

If I go into a hospital, I want to come out looking younger.

I love working for myself; it's so empowering. Except when I call in sick. I always know when I'm lying.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, Never take candy from strangers. And then they dressed me up and said, Go beg for it. I didn't know what to do.

Fame for fame's sake is a completely empty experience. Fame should be a by-product (and not necessarily a good one) of achieving something extraordinary.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.

My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle ... it wasn't mine.

I thought AAA was an organization for really bad alcoholics.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men -- how about New Car Interior?

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

I don't look back. I'm like a shark -- I only look forward.

I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

I paid attention to not being a comedian, and just concentrated on being who I was. That is what you have to do. If you say you are a comedian that has been done before. If you just be who you are then you are unique. Everyone is unique.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, Love, Rita.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.