When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage -- they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I thought AAA was an organization for really bad alcoholics.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

Buying something on sale is a special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it's worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

I love working for myself; it's so empowering. Except when I call in sick. I always know when I'm lying.

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.

News flash. My favorite color is no longer pink. It is purple. Purple is the new pink. Brown is the new black and blue is the new white. Also stars are the new stripes and circles are the new squares. I feel sorry for people who are currently making flags. It's all so confusing.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men -- how about New Car Interior?

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.