There are two ways to travel, first class or with children.

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books.

I can get dressed earlier in the evening with every intention of going to a dance at midnight, but somehow after the theatre the thing to do seems to be either to go to bed or sit around somewhere. It doesn't seem possible that somewhere people can be expecting you at an hour like that.

Nine-tenths of the value of a sense of humor in writing is not in the things it makes one write but in the things it keeps one from writing. It is especially valuable in this respect in serious writing, and no one without a sense of humor should ever write seriously. For without knowing what is funny, one is constantly in danger of being funny without knowing it.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get out a new book by him each year.

Who has not wished that his host would come out frankly at the beginning of the visit and state, in no uncertain terms, the rulesand preferences of the household in such matters as the breakfast hour? And who has not sounded out his guest to find out what he likes in the regulation of his diet and modus vivendi (mode of living)?

One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous.

Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.

If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.

The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled.

Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper.

If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.

Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.

People who begin sentences with I may be old-fashioned but-- are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.