Never go to Pluto, it's a Mickey Mouse planet.
Sometimes it's more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.
She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.
The truth is, if anything, I'm probably addicted to laughter.
Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.
I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
The things we fear the most have already happened to us.
There are no rules. Just follow your heart.
Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary.
Make your life spectacular, I know I did.
I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, My boy's got learnin'!
We're not laughing at you -- we're laughing near you.
There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.
But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.
But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.
Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.
It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'
I was a serious method actor until I visited this site.
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'
There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome.
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy.
Longer Version:
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy
because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless
and they don't want anyone else to feel like that.
The only weapon we have is comedy.
If you're basically having Frosted Flakes, and you're older than ten years old and it's after ten o'clock in the morning… I'm gonna guess: weed may be involved.
I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain, but number two, and more importantly, to jump start my colon.
When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work.
Sometimes you have to make a movie to make money.
I've had a lot of people tell me they watched 'Old Dogs' with their kids and had a good time.
Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started.
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier.
You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.
Longer Version:
You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous. And then you realize, no, actually if you take a break people might be more interested in you.
There's a show in America where all these people compete with ferrets, and they don't even do anything. They basically just hold them up, and if they don't bite you, they might win.
I think 'Dead Poets' was probably my favorite, just to get started with the idea of doing a movie that people treated as more than a movie.
You can start any 'Monty Python' routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.
In America they really do mythologise people when they die.
With film roles, it just has to be a character either I haven't done before, or a role with somebody really interesting or with an interesting person or group of people.
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken.
I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I love kids, but they are a tough audience.
I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.
The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.
Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.
Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly.
My style is bad white-boy dancing. I can do swing a little bit, but nothing beyond that. My solo dancing is sad. I use my arms, badly.
I loved running, but all of a sudden everything hurt so much. I started cycling when Zelda was born.
The 'Aladdin' thing -- that's not work; that's just fun. Three days in the recording studio going mad, then the animators do all the work. Not a bad way to cash a large check, my friend.
The idea of having a steady job is appealing.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.