Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

I knew Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were really talented. As actors, they were both studly young men, and they had great writers' chops.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?

You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

I enjoy performing for heavily armed people. It's easier than going to Georgia.

What is this demilitarized zone? Whatever it is, I like it! Gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino.

We're not laughing at you -- we're laughing near you.

But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, 'People -- they'r e kinda like flowers, and it's been a privilege walking in your garden.' My love goes with you.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever.

It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.