Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -- everyone hasn't met me yet.

I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

In the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice to me. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek, she bent over!

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex -- my wife screwed in front of the jury.

I can't get no respect.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide,' and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, Hey! Take me to where the action is! So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I took my son to Coney island, I said wanna go in the crazy house?, he said save your money we'll be home soon!

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful -- never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
at fractions.'

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt -- for obvious reasons -- that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came
back my catch phrase was nothing goes right. Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I told my doctor, I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. Surprise me, I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1 2 a calendar!

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, what, you can't think of anybody either?

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love.' I ended up in traction -- it was a misprint.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

My mother used to rock me -- and she used big rocks.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I have three kids, one of each.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said No, one drag is enough.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations -- we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My uncle's dying wish -- he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I met the surgeon general -- he offered me a cigarette.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.