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Wikipedia Summary for Rodney Dangerfield

Jack Roy (born Jacob Rodney Cohen; November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004), popularly known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase "I get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme.

He began his career working as a stand-up comic in the Borscht Belt resorts of the Catskill Mountains northwest of New York City. His act grew in popularity as he became a mainstay on late-night talk shows throughout the 1960s and 1970s, eventually developing into a headlining act on the Las Vegas casino circuit. His catchphrase "I don't get no respect!" came from an attempt to improve one of his stand-up jokes. "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me." He thought the joke would be stronger if it used the formulaic "I was so ..." beginning ("I was so poor," "He was so ugly," "She was so stupid," etc.). He tried "I get no respect," and got a much better response with the audience; it became a permanent feature of his act and comedic persona.

He appeared in a few bit parts in films such as The Projectionist throughout the 1970s, but his breakout film role came in 1980 as a boorish nouveau riche golfer in the ensemble comedy Caddyshack, which was followed by two more successful films in which he starred: 1983's Easy Money and 1986's Back to School. Additional film work kept him busy through the rest of his life, mostly in comedies, but with a rare dramatic role in 1994's Natural Born Killers as an abusive father. Health troubles curtailed his output through the early 2000s before his death in 2004, following a month in a coma due to complications from heart valve surgery.

I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

--Rodney Dangerfield

In the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, and he threw the teacher out of the window.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife was never nice to me. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek, she bent over!

--Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

--Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

--Rodney Dangerfield

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

--Rodney Dangerfield

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

--Rodney Dangerfield

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex -- my wife screwed in front of the jury.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I can't get no respect.

--Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

--Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

--Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

--Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

--Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

--Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide,' and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

--Rodney Dangerfield

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

--Rodney Dangerfield

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

--Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

--Rodney Dangerfield

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

--Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!

--Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

--Rodney Dangerfield

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

--Rodney Dangerfield

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

--Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, Hey! Take me to where the action is! So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

--Rodney Dangerfield

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!

--Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

--Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

--Rodney Dangerfield

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

--Rodney Dangerfield

I took my son to Coney island, I said wanna go in the crazy house?, he said save your money we'll be home soon!

--Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

--Rodney Dangerfield

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful -- never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
at fractions.'

--Rodney Dangerfield

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

--Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

--Rodney Dangerfield

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

--Rodney Dangerfield

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

--Rodney Dangerfield

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

--Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

--Rodney Dangerfield

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

--Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

--Rodney Dangerfield

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt -- for obvious reasons -- that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came
back my catch phrase was nothing goes right. Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor, I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

--Rodney Dangerfield

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. Surprise me, I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

--Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

--Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

--Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

--Rodney Dangerfield

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

--Rodney Dangerfield

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

--Rodney Dangerfield

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

--Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

--Rodney Dangerfield

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

--Rodney Dangerfield

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1 2 a calendar!

--Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, what, you can't think of anybody either?

--Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

--Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

--Rodney Dangerfield

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love.' I ended up in traction -- it was a misprint.

--Rodney Dangerfield

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

--Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

--Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

--Rodney Dangerfield

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

--Rodney Dangerfield

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

--Rodney Dangerfield

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