I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -- everyone hasn't met me yet.
In the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, and he threw the teacher out of the window.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice to me. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek, she bent over!
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide,' and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, Hey! Take me to where the action is! So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
I took my son to Coney island, I said wanna go in the crazy house?, he said save your money we'll be home soon!
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful -- never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt -- for obvious reasons -- that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came
back my catch phrase was nothing goes right. Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
I told my doctor, I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. Surprise me, I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, what, you can't think of anybody either?
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations -- we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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