I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, what, you can't think of anybody either?

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I can't get no respect.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I have three kids, one of each.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I took my son to Coney island, I said wanna go in the crazy house?, he said save your money we'll be home soon!

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. Surprise me, I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.