I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, what, you can't think of anybody either?

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I can't get no respect.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I have three kids, one of each.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex -- my wife screwed in front of the jury.

I took my son to Coney island, I said wanna go in the crazy house?, he said save your money we'll be home soon!

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. Surprise me, I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.