Quotes by Steven Wright
Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by Steven Wright. We hope you enjoy pondering them and that you will share them widely.
Wikipedia Summary for Steven Wright
Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
Wright was ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in their 2017 list of the 50 Greatest Stand-up Comics. His accolades include the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for starring in, writing, and producing the short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988) and two Primetime Emmy Awards nominations as a producer of Louie (2010–15). He is known for his supporting role as Leon in the Peabody Award-winning tragicomedy web series Horace and Pete.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I'm addicted to placebos.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
When I was little, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass for Christmas. He gave my brother a box of Bandaids and said, 'You two share.'
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus has gone missing.
I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, It's free with purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen -- yet, they don't seem impossible -- you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane -- and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night -- and I'd dream about it being me.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, Hey, these records are all blank.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
I laugh all the time -- at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops.
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, Got any shoes you're not using?
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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