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Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by Steven Wright. We hope you enjoy pondering them and that you will share them widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Wright was ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in their 2017 list of the 50 Greatest Stand-up Comics. His accolades include the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for starring in, writing, and producing the short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988) and two Primetime Emmy Awards nominations as a producer of Louie (2010–15). He is known for his supporting role as Leon in the Peabody Award-winning tragicomedy web series Horace and Pete.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

--Steven Wright

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

--Steven Wright

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

--Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass for Christmas. He gave my brother a box of Bandaids and said, 'You two share.'

--Steven Wright

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

--Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

--Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night.

--Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus has gone missing.

--Steven Wright

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.'

--Steven Wright

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

--Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

--Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

--Steven Wright

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

--Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

--Steven Wright

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

--Steven Wright

What do batteries run on?

--Steven Wright

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

--Steven Wright

Longer Version:

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.


I lost a button hole.

--Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, It's free with purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.

--Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

--Steven Wright

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

--Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

--Steven Wright

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

--Steven Wright

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

--Steven Wright

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

--Steven Wright

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

--Steven Wright

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

--Steven Wright

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

--Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

--Steven Wright

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

--Steven Wright

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen -- yet, they don't seem impossible -- you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane -- and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

--Steven Wright

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

--Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

--Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

--Steven Wright

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

--Steven Wright

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

--Steven Wright

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

--Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

--Steven Wright

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

--Steven Wright

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

--Steven Wright

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

--Steven Wright

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night -- and I'd dream about it being me.

--Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

--Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh.

--Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

--Steven Wright

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

--Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, Hey, these records are all blank.

--Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, ten-four.

--Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

--Steven Wright

Do fish get cramps after eating?

--Steven Wright

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

--Steven Wright

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

--Steven Wright

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

--Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

--Steven Wright

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

--Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

--Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.

--Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

--Steven Wright

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

--Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

--Steven Wright

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

--Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

--Steven Wright

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

--Steven Wright

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

--Steven Wright

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

--Steven Wright

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

--Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

--Steven Wright

My father was a small claims court jester.

--Steven Wright

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

--Steven Wright

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

--Steven Wright

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

--Steven Wright

I have not lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere.

--Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

--Steven Wright

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

--Steven Wright

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

--Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

--Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

--Steven Wright

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

--Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

--Steven Wright

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

--Steven Wright

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

--Steven Wright

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

--Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

--Steven Wright

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

--Steven Wright

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

--Steven Wright

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

--Steven Wright

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

--Steven Wright

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

--Steven Wright

I laugh all the time -- at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

--Steven Wright

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

--Steven Wright

Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

--Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

--Steven Wright

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

--Steven Wright

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

--Steven Wright

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

--Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

--Steven Wright

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

--Steven Wright

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

--Steven Wright

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

--Steven Wright

Quotes by Steven Wright are featured in:


Depression Quotes
Funny Quotes
Money Quotes

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