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Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by Steven Wright. We hope you enjoy pondering them and that you will share them widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Wright was ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in their 2017 list of the 50 Greatest Stand-up Comics. His accolades include the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for starring in, writing, and producing the short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988) and two Primetime Emmy Awards nominations as a producer of Louie (2010–15). He is known for his supporting role as Leon in the Peabody Award-winning tragicomedy web series Horace and Pete.

photo of author Steven Wright with quote

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I was little, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass for Christmas. He gave my brother a box of Bandaids and said, 'You two share.'

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus has gone missing.

--Steven Wright
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Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.'

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

What do batteries run on?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

--Steven Wright

Longer Version:

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.


photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I lost a button hole.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, It's free with purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.

--Steven Wright


photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

--Steven Wright

photo of author Steven Wright with quote

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

--Steven Wright
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

--Steven Wright

photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

--Steven Wright
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

--Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night -- and I'd dream about it being me.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

--Steven Wright
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh.

--Steven Wright
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How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

--Steven Wright
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, Hey, these records are all blank.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, ten-four.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Do fish get cramps after eating?

--Steven Wright
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

--Steven Wright
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

--Steven Wright
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

--Steven Wright
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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

--Steven Wright
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

--Steven Wright

photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

--Steven Wright
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99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

--Steven Wright
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I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

--Steven Wright
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

--Steven Wright
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

--Steven Wright
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My father was a small claims court jester.

--Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

--Steven Wright
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

--Steven Wright
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I have not lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

--Steven Wright
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

--Steven Wright
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I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

--Steven Wright
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My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

--Steven Wright
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I laugh all the time -- at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

--Steven Wright
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

--Steven Wright
photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

--Steven Wright

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