Quotes by Steven Wright

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I'm addicted to placebos.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

When I was little, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass for Christmas. He gave my brother a box of Bandaids and said, 'You two share.'

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus has gone missing.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.'

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

What do batteries run on?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I lost a button hole.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, It's free with purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen -- yet, they don't seem impossible -- you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane -- and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night -- and I'd dream about it being me.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, Hey, these records are all blank.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, ten-four.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

I have not lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I laugh all the time -- at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I was an only child, eventually.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.

I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Do you have any toy train schedules?

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

What is another name for a Thesaurus?

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I'm so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

The speed of time is one second per second.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, Got any shoes you're not using?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Half the people you know are below average.

Referring to a glass of water: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

At one point he decided enough was enough.

So, do you live around here often?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.