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Quotes by Steven Wright (Page 2 of 2)

Quote: I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.


Quote: George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.


Quote: I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.


Quote: People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.


Quote: I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.


Quote: To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.


Quote: To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.


Quote: It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of Steven Wright quote; white text on black background

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.


Quote: I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.


Quote: They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.


Quote: If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?


Quote: If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?


Quote: I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'


Quote: I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


Quote: In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.


Quote: When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.


Quote: I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.


Quote: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


Quote: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


Quote: Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.




Quote: There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being -- it's part of my fabric as a person. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of Steven Wright quote: There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being -- it's part of my fabric as a person.- black text on quotes background

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being -- it's part of my fabric as a person.


Quote: Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.


Quote: I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.


Quote: If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?


Quote: I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.


Quote: It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.


Quote: I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.


Quote: Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?


Quote: If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?


Quote: I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.


Quote: When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?


Quote: I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.


Quote: I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.


Quote: I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.


Quote: I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.


Quote: I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.


Quote: I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.


Quote: Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.


Quote: I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


Quote: OK, so what's the speed of dark? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

OK, so what's the speed of dark?


Quote: Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.


Quote: I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.




Quote: My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'


Quote: If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.


Quote: Hermits have no peer pressure. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Hermits have no peer pressure.


Quote: If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.


Quote: Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?


Quote: I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.


Quote: Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.


Quote: I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!


Quote: When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.


Quote: What's another word for Thesaurus? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

What's another word for Thesaurus?


Quote: George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.


Quote: My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.


Quote: I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.


Quote: Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.


Quote: I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.


Quote: I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.


Quote: I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.


Quote: A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.


Quote: There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.


Quote: Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.


Quote: I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.


Quote: If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?


Quote: How young can you die of old age? by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

How young can you die of old age?


Quote: Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. by author Steven Wright overlaid on photo of photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.


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