photo of Steven WrightPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons
quote by Steven Wright: I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

--Steven Wright



quote by Steven Wright: To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

--Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright: I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

--Steven Wright


quote by Steven Wright: Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

--Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright: I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: OK, so what's the speed of dark? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I'm addicted to placebos. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I'm addicted to placebos.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

--Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright: My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Hermits have no peer pressure. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Hermits have no peer pressure.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: What's another word for Thesaurus? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

What's another word for Thesaurus?

--Steven Wright

quote by Steven Wright: My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I intend to live forever. So far, so good. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: How young can you die of old age? with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

How young can you die of old age?

--Steven Wright
quote by Steven Wright: Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. with background image: photo of author Steven Wright with quote

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

--Steven Wright

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