It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Half the people you know are below average.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

So, do you live around here often?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.