The only thing I regret about my life is the length of it. If I had to live my life again I'd make all the same mistakes--only sooner.
I'm the foe of moderation, the champion of excess.
I'm the foe of moderation, the champion of excess. If I may lift a line from a die-hard whose identity is lost in the shuffle, 'I'd rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.'
Working on television is like being shot out of a cannon. They cram you all up with rehearsals, then someone lights a fuse and -- .BANG! -- there you are in someone's living room.
Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.
Will TV kill the theater? If the programs I have seen, save for Kukla, Fran and Ollie, the ball games and the fights, are any criterion, the theater need not wake up in a cold sweat.
Too many of our countrymen rejoice in stupidity, look upon ignorance as a badge of honor. They condemn everything they don't understand.
It's unlikely I'll ever submit to a psychiatrist's couch. I don't want some stranger prowling around through my psyche, monkeying with my id. I don't need an analyst to tell me that I have never had any sense of security. Who has?
Do you know what my ambition is in life? To be without ambition. As far back as I can remember I've been absolutely hag-ridden. I'd like to attain the state of mind that the Indians call Nirvana. That, for me, would happen if I were free of ambition.
For acting, darlings, is the world's most perilous trade. Compared with actors, steeple jacks and deep-sea divers lead snug and placid lives.
Going down on a woman gives me a stiff neck, going down on a man gives me lockjaw and conventional sex gives me claustrophobia.
My progress reminded me of the horses in The Whip. They raced at the limit of their speed directly toward the audience. But they raced on a treadmill which canceled out their progress.
No man worth his salt, no man of spirit and spine, no man for whom I could have any respect, could rejoice in the identification of Tallulah's husband. It's tough enough to be bogged down in a legend. It would be even tougher to marry one.
I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom.
Drink reacts on its practitioners in conflicting ways. One brave can knock off a quart of Scotch and look and act as sober as Herbert Hoover. Another, after three Martinis, makes two-cushion carroms off the chaise lounge as he attempts to negotiate the bathroom.
To the critic who wrote a negative review: I am sitting in the smallest room of the house. Your review is before me. Soon it will be behind me.
They say it's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time. Me, I just wanna live a life I'm gonna remember even if I don't write it down.
All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.
I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.
I did what I could to inflate the rumor I was on my way to stardom. What I was on my way to, by any mathematical standards known to man, was oblivion, by way of obscurity.
I have been absolutely hag-ridden with ambition. If I could wish to have anything in the world it would be to be free of ambition.
The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.
Television could perform a great service in mass education, but there's no indication its sponsors have anything like this on their minds.