If I see a movie star in the department store buying something, I'll kind of sidle up and see what they're saying, what they look like, how they sound. That's an invasion of privacy.

Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.

I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit.

If you asked me to write a rock song or a rap song, I couldn't do it because they're not in my fingers.

I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand.

Life is like a sewer ¦ what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

And although I'm all for freedom of expression and against censorship, there are certain things I'm not willing to go to jail for.

I'm very proud of myself on my, whatever the literacy is, I'm pretentious, totally pretentious. I like to say 'hmm', for example.

Irreverence is easy -- what's hard is wit.

On my income tax 1040 it says Check this box if you are blind. I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

Don't write naughty words on the wall if you can't spell!

I find that if you take the various popular song forms to their logical extremes, you can arrive at almost anything from the ridiculous to the obscene-or, as they say in New York, sophisticated.

Oh we will all fry together when we fry. We'll be french fried potatoes by and by. There will be no more misery When the world is our rotisserie, Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.

But in the new (math) approach, the important thing is to understand what you're doing, rather than to get the right answer.

There's ten stuffed heads in my trophy room right now, two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow.

When you attend a funeral, It is sad to think that sooner o' Later those you love will do the same for you. And you may have thought it tragic, Not to mention other adjec- Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do. (But don't you worry.

I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first.

Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down ? That's not my department.

Base eight is just like base ten really, if you're missing two fingers.

Don't drink the water and don't breathe the air!