Quotes by W. C. Fields
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Wikipedia Summary for W. C. Fields
William Claude Dukenfield (January 29, 1880 – December 25, 1946), better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler, and writer. Fields' comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist who remained a sympathetic character despite his supposed contempt for children and dogs.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do, she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons.
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
I'm looking for loopholes.
I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon -- and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy -- but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.