Quotes by W. C. Fields

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do, she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

I'm searching for loopholes.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

I'm looking for loopholes.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents).

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon -- and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

I never eat before breakfast.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I drink therefore I am.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy -- but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

You can't cheat an honest man.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Happiness means quiet nerves.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Children should neither be seen or heard from -- ever again.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today -- sell liquor or drink it.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.