Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.
Parades should be classed as a Nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison. They stop more work, inconvenience more people, stop more traffic, cause more accidents, entail more expense, and commit and cause I don't remember the other hundred misdemeanors.
There are two things I don't care how smart you are, you will never understand. One is an alienist's testimony, and the other is a railroad timetable.
There is a tremendous movement on to get lower taxes on earned incomes. Then will come the real problem, 'Who among us on salary are earning our income?'
There's no way in the world you're going to make a political party respectable unless you keep it out of office.
With all our crime and all our immorality ... and about as much contentment and respose as a fresh-caged hyena, we go to tell the whole world: we are the only one with the right idea!
Horsemanship through the history of all nations has been considered one of the highest accomplishments. You can't pass a park without seeing a statue of some old codger on a horse. It must be to his bravery, you can tell it's not to his horsemanship.
Get a sales tax, small on necessities and large on luxuries; then a stiff inheritance tax on the fellow that saves and don't spend. That will get him either way. A tax paid on the day you buy is not as tough as asking you for it the next year when you are broke.
The sales tax is the best and most equitable tax. The gasoline tax, which is nothing but a sales tax, has proven painless, productive and punitive. Everything we buy should have its equal proportion of tax, outside of cheap food and cheap clothes.
The bankers just got a good cussing by everybody for loaning too much money. Well, they got some awful nice buildings. So when a banker fails, he fails in splendor.
Rail-splitting produced an immortal president in Lincoln, but golf hasn't produced even a good Congressman.
Congress is going to start tinkering with the Ten Commandments just as soon as they find someone in Washington who has read them.
You can't legitimately kick on income tax, for it's on what you have made. You have already made it. But, look at land, farms, homes, stores, vacant lots. You pay year after year on them whether you make it or not.
Will somebody please tell me what they do with all the Vice-Presidents a bank has? Why the United States is the biggest business institution in the world, and they got only one Vice-President and nobody has ever found anything for him to do.
If you feel the urge, don't be afraid to go on a wild goose chase. What do you think wild geese are for anyway?
Samuel Gompers has spent his life trying to keep labor from working too hard and has succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.
Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials.
After seeing kids play polo against big guys, it only shows that horses are the greatest equalizer in the world. No matter what you weigh, the little fellow is your equal on a horse.
The old horse is coming back in a high lope. Thousands of people are riding a horse today that five years ago couldn't sit in a Ford with all the doors locked.
They used to take your horse and if they were caught they got hung for it. Now they take your car, and if they are caught it's a miracle.
There is two types of Larceny, Petty and Grand. They are supposed to be the same in the eyes of the law, but judges always put a little extra on you for Petty, which is kind of a fine for stupidness.
Candidates have been telling you that if elected they would 'pull you from this bog hole of financial misery.' Now is a good chance to get even with 'em, by electing 'em, just to prove what a liar they are.
I represent what is left of a vanishing race, and that is the pedestrian. That I am still able to be here, I owe to a keen eye and a nimble pair of legs. But I know they'll get me someday.
It would drive a person crazy to dope out really what does divide the two parties. Prosperity don't divide the two parties, for under either administration the poor get poorer and the rich get richer.
I will never joke about old soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of old times with old friends is the greatest thing in the world.
Say, this new home building idea of President Hoover's sounds good. They are working out a lot of beneficial things. The only thing is it took 'em so long to think of any of 'em. We ought to have plans in case of depression, just like we do in case of fire, 'Walk, don't run, to the nearest exit.'
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
There is a fine breed for you, Irish-Indian. My family crest would be a Shillalah with a Tomahawk on one end.
Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Mothers are the only race of people that speak the same tongue. A mother in Manchuria could converse with a mother in Nebraska and never miss a word.
Noah must have taken into the Ark two taxes, one male and one female. And did they multiply bountifully! Next to guinea pigs, taxes must have been the most prolific animals.
Successful colleges will start laying plans for a new stadium; unsuccessful ones will start hunting a new coach.
Alexander Hamilton originated the put and take system in our national treasury: the taxpayers put it in, and the politicians take it out.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
What would we say if the Chinese sent a gunboat with their marines up the Mississippi River claiming they were protecting their laundries in Memphis?
A president just can't make much showing against congress. They lay awake nights, thinking up things to be against the president on.
The business of government is to keep the government out of business -- that is, unless business needs government aid.
Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin every enjoyment.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.'
The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.
I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this -- no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.
When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.
Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs.
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.