Title Image - Quotes by Author Woody AllenPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons

Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by Woody Allen. We hope you enjoy pondering them and that you will share them widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Woody Allen

Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American film director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades and multiple Academy Award-winning films. He began his career as a comedy writer on Sid Caesar's comedy variety program Your Show of Shows, working alongside Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Larry Gelbart and Neil Simon. He also began writing material for television, published several books featuring short stories, and writing humor pieces for The New Yorker. In the early 1960s, he performed as a stand-up comedian in Greenwich Village alongside Lenny Bruce, Elaine May, Mike Nichols, and Joan Rivers. There he developed a monologue style (rather than traditional jokes), and the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish. He released three comedy albums during the mid to late 1960s, earning a Grammy Award nomination for his 1964 comedy album entitled simply, Woody Allen. In 2004 Comedy Central ranked Allen fourth on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, while a UK survey ranked Allen the third-greatest comedian.

By the mid-1960s Allen was writing and directing films, first specializing in slapstick comedies such as Take the Money and Run (1969), Bananas (1971), Sleeper (1973), and Love and Death (1975), before moving into dramatic material influenced by European art cinema during the late 1970s with Interiors (1978), Manhattan (1979) and Stardust Memories (1980), and alternating between comedies and dramas to the present. Allen is often identified as part of the New Hollywood wave of filmmakers of the mid-1960s to late 1970s such as Martin Scorsese, Robert Altman, and Sidney Lumet. He often stars in his films, typically in the persona he developed as a standup. His film Annie Hall (1977), a romantic comedy featuring Allen and his frequent collaborator Diane Keaton, won four Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actress for Keaton. Critics have called his work from the 1980s his most developed period. His films include Zelig (1983), Broadway Danny Rose (1984), The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985), Hannah and Her Sisters (1986), Radio Days (1987), Another Woman (1988), and Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989). In the 21st century many of Allen’s films have been set and shot in Europe, including Match Point (2005), Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008), and Midnight in Paris (2011). Allen returned to America gaining acclaim for Blue Jasmine (2013) and Cafe Society (2016).

In 1979, Allen began a professional and personal relationship with actress Mia Farrow, and over a decade-long period they collaborated on 13 films. They separated after Allen began a relationship with Mia's and Andre Previn's adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn. During the separation, Allen was publicly accused of sexually abusing his daughter, the seven-year-old Dylan. The allegation gained substantive media attention, but Allen was never charged or prosecuted, and vehemently denied the allegation. He married Soon-Yi in 1997, and they adopted two children.

Critic Roger Ebert described Allen as "a treasure of the cinema". Allen has received many accolades and honors. He has received the most nominations for the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay, with 16. He has won four Academy Awards, one for Best Director, and three for Best Original Screenplay. He also garnered nine British Academy Film Awards. In 1997, Allen was awarded the BAFTA Fellowship by the British Academy of Film and Television Arts. In 2014 he received the Golden Globe Cecil B. DeMille Award for Lifetime Achievement and a Tony Award nomination for Best Book of a Musical for Bullets over Broadway. The Writers Guild of America named his screenplay for Annie Hall first on its list of the "101 Funniest Screenplays". In 2011 PBS televised the film biography Woody Allen: A Documentary on its series American Masters.

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

--Woody Allen

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.

--Woody Allen

You look up after many years and you find that a film has become a classic because it's meaningful to people and alive, decade after decade.

--Woody Allen

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

--Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.

--Woody Allen

When we lose twenty pounds. We may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.

--Woody Allen

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

--Woody Allen

I believe in God, Miriam. I know it. Because, without God the world is a cesspool.

--Woody Allen

He never made the ten-most-wanted list. It's very unfair voting. It's who you know.

--Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

--Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

--Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.

--Woody Allen

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe.
It required bandaging.

--Woody Allen

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket.
He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

--Woody Allen

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny.
I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

--Woody Allen

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?
It'll be a year come April 20th.
I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday.

--Woody Allen

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

--Woody Allen

You can't anticipate in the room the riches of what you encounter when you're location hunting for a movie.

--Woody Allen

This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't.

--Woody Allen

I'd rather hurt Lee a little, than
destroy Hannah.

--Woody Allen

I don't believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don't want to win anything or lose anything.

--Woody Allen

Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers.

--Woody Allen

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

--Woody Allen

I don't like to meet the actor and have a lot of conferences and talk about their sub-life and their off-screen life and their back stories and all that nonsense, because it never means anything.

--Woody Allen

Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling.

--Woody Allen

I'm awash in self-contempt!

--Woody Allen

With me; it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything.

--Woody Allen

I've been escaping my whole life. Since I was a little child, I escaped into the movies on the other side as an audience member. I escaped by going into the movies and sitting in the movies all day long.

--Woody Allen

The most expensive sex is free sex.

--Woody Allen

I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious undertones. There are some ideas that are more frivolous to me. The next idea that could occur to me could be comedy about death and famine or something.

--Woody Allen

The universe is haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.

--Woody Allen

If I can play a scene in a master shot, I always prefer it. And the actors always prefer it. It's fun to look at on the screen, the actors get a chance to sink their teeth into something substantial, and it's economically helpful.

--Woody Allen

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

--Woody Allen

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

--Woody Allen

You are always a comedian by default. You are this way because you've been forced to be this way, but it is better to be the hero. So if you can be a persona, the great one of my lifetime of course was and is Marlon Brando.

--Woody Allen

I'd like to make a great movie. I've made many movies. I think I've made some good movies, but I never felt I've made a great movie.

--Woody Allen

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

--Woody Allen

The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life.

--Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

--Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

--Woody Allen

But it was I -- yes I -- who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

--Woody Allen

I think aging has nothing to recommend it. You don't gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you'd trade all of that for being 35 again.

--Woody Allen

You mellow too much you ripen and rot.

--Woody Allen

Writing is great because in the writing you never have to... First of all you never have to leave your home. And you never have to meet the test of reality when you're writing.

--Woody Allen

There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!

--Woody Allen

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

--Woody Allen

People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me -- it's an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We're one.

--Woody Allen

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

--Woody Allen

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.

--Woody Allen

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

--Woody Allen

I think I've gotten technically better over the years but you'd have to be a fool not to. I've made so many movies that by sheer quantity you get better at the technique.

--Woody Allen

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

--Woody Allen

The dictatorship is shut up, democracy is always concerned.

--Woody Allen

Subjectivity is objective.

--Woody Allen

Stanley Kubrick was a great artist and a perfectionist. He always wanted the exact right thing. He did a million takes. Everything had to be perfect. I'm an imperfectionist. I don't really care that much about the work. I write quickly. I'm careless. I shoot carelessly.

--Woody Allen

I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.

--Woody Allen

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

--Woody Allen

There have been times when I've thought about it -- but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.

--Woody Allen

I am two with nature.

--Woody Allen

That's the way I feel about the world: there are certain problems that can only be dealt with that way -- going out and doing them. As ugly a truth as that is, I do think it's the truth about the world.

--Woody Allen

I want to return to the womb, anyone's.

--Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

--Woody Allen

Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.

--Woody Allen

You always think another time would have been ideal for you ... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

--Woody Allen

I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.

--Woody Allen

When you write the script, you're home in a room by yourself, and you're writing, and there's no connection with the real performing world. So you get a lot of things wrong and make a lot of mistakes and make a lot of bad choices.

--Woody Allen

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

--Woody Allen

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

--Woody Allen

Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

--Woody Allen

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

--Woody Allen

Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?

--Woody Allen

You make a film and always hope you're going make Citizen Kane or The Bicycle Thief. You make the film, and for one reason or another, one clicks and one doesn't, but it's out of your control completely.

--Woody Allen

Once the movie's over, there's not much point. When the thing is edited, mixed, and color-corrected, and you've finished it... In my case, I never read anything about it, I never think about it.

--Woody Allen

I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director.

--Woody Allen

To be a film director is not a democracy, it's really a tyranny. You're the head of the project, for better rather than worse. I write the film and I direct the film, I decide who's going to be in it, I decide on the editing, I put in the music from my own record collection.

--Woody Allen

A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.

--Woody Allen

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

--Woody Allen

New York is my home and I have a particular fondness for it. I think it's a place where you can generate any kind of story wonderfully. But I also would be very happy to make a film in Paris or Rome.

--Woody Allen

Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

--Woody Allen

The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?

--Woody Allen

I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.

--Woody Allen

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

--Woody Allen

I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.

--Woody Allen

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.

--Woody Allen

I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx and Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields.

--Woody Allen

If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

--Woody Allen

Hey listen -- I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.

--Woody Allen

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

--Woody Allen

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

--Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

--Woody Allen

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

--Woody Allen

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

--Woody Allen

I've always had an easy time directing actors because I always hire ones that are great before I get my hands on them.

--Woody Allen

Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.

--Woody Allen

As the author you know how you want it to appear on screen and it's always the content dictating the form.

--Woody Allen

Every time you make a movie it's a new and different experience. You learn very little from the past. So, I'm a little bit better than I was when I first started.

--Woody Allen

I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.

--Woody Allen

Know a quote that we are missing? Please use our suggest a quote form below and let us know. Thank YOU for visiting -- we wish you a perfect day!