I have American in-laws, and I care about the environment. We don't use disposable diapers, which, of course, creates an environmental problem of our own.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.

People in Tulsa are totally friendly; the crowds are very nice.

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling.

To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper.

Never having alone time is real tough on people.

Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore.

In America, you assassinate president. In Soviet Russia, president assassinate you!

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!

I was this non-threatening funny guy who contrasted the image of the Brezhnevs and the Reagans of the world.

I came to America to make it my home, and I did.

If love is the treasure, laughter is the key.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing -- like showering.